This One is For the Boys

I can’t take it anymore! My fellow brothers, in the past few months, I’m quite positive that all of you have heard a great deal about a certain vampire series entitled, “Twilight”. Our wives spend every waking moment dreaming of some guy named Edward and can’t seem to put the freaking books down. And I’m quite positive that none of you can stay awake long enough to find out what the series is actually about. I mean, come on, one can only fake interest for so long. In order to put my male counterparts on equal ground with the ladies, I took one for the team. After days of physical and mental preparation, a large dose of anti-nausea medication, and a hefty diet Pepsi in hand, I sat down and listened as Bella explained the books to me. She only had to start over twice: once because the phone rang and once because I had to be rushed to the emergency room after attempting to slit my wrists. Anyway, I thought I’d give a synopsis for all the fellas out there. And this one is for the BOYS! My first review is of the first book entitled, “Twilight”.
Bella is a 17 year old teenager that lives with her mother and step-father in Arizona. She gets sick of dealing with her mom and decides to move to the Pacific Northwest to live with her father who she barely knows. But hey, the grass must be greener on the other side, right? The town that her father lives in also happens to have a family of vampires. Now, I’m not quite sure how that works and forgive me for stating the obvious, but they are VAMPIRES! Is anyone else a tad concerned? I’m really not a fan of anyone sucking my blood and killing me or any member of my immediate family. All I can figure is that since they are living on the “Left” coast, this small town celebrates diversity and welcomes the family into the community with open arms. So what if someone turns up every once in a while on the edge of town sucked bone dry? It must do wonders for the town’s homeless population.
Bella starts at her new school where the vampire kids also attend. This is where she meets, sigh, Edward. Of course they are attracted to each other and after a short stent of the high school mind games, they begin hanging out. Now, I know what you guys are thinking. He is a 17 year old guy. He only wants one thing. Well, being a 17 year old vampire, one would deduce that he actually wants two things: sex and blood. But hold on! The author is LDS so Bella isn’t that kind of girl and either is Edward. Nor does Edward suck human blood. That’s right boys, Edward, the celibate vampire, doesn’t suck human blood. He only goes after animal blood. So if you’re the girl’s father, you’re probably going to be OK with this guy but watch your pets.
Bella and, Sigh, Edward, begin dating. Oh yea, I’ve got to address the age thing. Edward isn’t really 17. He’s like 200 years old. But he’s a vampire so he doesn’t age. Bella may be really attracted to the guy thinking that he is super smart but you’d look pretty smart too if you’d been repeating the same classes in high school for 185 years. And come on, she is 17. The first time he showed up at her house, I half expected a gentleman to emerge from the back room and say, “Hi, I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC and we’re doing a story on adult male vampire sexual predators.”
Bella meets the vampire family and they all become friends. Oh, by the way, if any of you are big on the whole feel good, after school TV special of the week, the vampire dad is a Doctor. That’s right. This poor guy beat the odds and fought his way up from the mean streets of ghetto Transylvania to medical school. Take that Rudy. Anyway, the family and Bella meet up with some other vampires who aren’t so friendly. Long story short, one of the vampires goes after Bella to suck her blood. Bella tries to run but I have been informed by my wife that vampires can run really, really, really fast. Just as this dude is about to suck all of Bella’s blood, sigh, Edward shows up and wastes the guy. Luckily, Edward’s daddy is a doctor and is able to save Bella. A couple of blood transfusions later, all is well and Bella and, sigh, Edward are back together again. Any normal person would probably be ready to walk away from the relationship at this point. Come on, the dude’s friends were trying to eat you. I mean, if K-Fed and Brittany can’t make it work, what chance do they have? But then again, Bella isn’t exactly your run-of-the-mill, 17 year old chick. After all, she is dating a 200 year old vampire. So stay tuned for further reviews of these lame books from a guy’s point of view and stick a wooden stake in me, I’m done.