Monday, October 22, 2007

This One is For the Boys

I can’t take it anymore! My fellow brothers, in the past few months, I’m quite positive that all of you have heard a great deal about a certain vampire series entitled, “Twilight”. Our wives spend every waking moment dreaming of some guy named Edward and can’t seem to put the freaking books down. And I’m quite positive that none of you can stay awake long enough to find out what the series is actually about. I mean, come on, one can only fake interest for so long. In order to put my male counterparts on equal ground with the ladies, I took one for the team. After days of physical and mental preparation, a large dose of anti-nausea medication, and a hefty diet Pepsi in hand, I sat down and listened as Bella explained the books to me. She only had to start over twice: once because the phone rang and once because I had to be rushed to the emergency room after attempting to slit my wrists. Anyway, I thought I’d give a synopsis for all the fellas out there. And this one is for the BOYS! My first review is of the first book entitled, “Twilight”.
Bella is a 17 year old teenager that lives with her mother and step-father in Arizona. She gets sick of dealing with her mom and decides to move to the Pacific Northwest to live with her father who she barely knows. But hey, the grass must be greener on the other side, right? The town that her father lives in also happens to have a family of vampires. Now, I’m not quite sure how that works and forgive me for stating the obvious, but they are VAMPIRES! Is anyone else a tad concerned? I’m really not a fan of anyone sucking my blood and killing me or any member of my immediate family. All I can figure is that since they are living on the “Left” coast, this small town celebrates diversity and welcomes the family into the community with open arms. So what if someone turns up every once in a while on the edge of town sucked bone dry? It must do wonders for the town’s homeless population.
Bella starts at her new school where the vampire kids also attend. This is where she meets, sigh, Edward. Of course they are attracted to each other and after a short stent of the high school mind games, they begin hanging out. Now, I know what you guys are thinking. He is a 17 year old guy. He only wants one thing. Well, being a 17 year old vampire, one would deduce that he actually wants two things: sex and blood. But hold on! The author is LDS so Bella isn’t that kind of girl and either is Edward. Nor does Edward suck human blood. That’s right boys, Edward, the celibate vampire, doesn’t suck human blood. He only goes after animal blood. So if you’re the girl’s father, you’re probably going to be OK with this guy but watch your pets.
Bella and, Sigh, Edward, begin dating. Oh yea, I’ve got to address the age thing. Edward isn’t really 17. He’s like 200 years old. But he’s a vampire so he doesn’t age. Bella may be really attracted to the guy thinking that he is super smart but you’d look pretty smart too if you’d been repeating the same classes in high school for 185 years. And come on, she is 17. The first time he showed up at her house, I half expected a gentleman to emerge from the back room and say, “Hi, I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC and we’re doing a story on adult male vampire sexual predators.”
Bella meets the vampire family and they all become friends. Oh, by the way, if any of you are big on the whole feel good, after school TV special of the week, the vampire dad is a Doctor. That’s right. This poor guy beat the odds and fought his way up from the mean streets of ghetto Transylvania to medical school. Take that Rudy. Anyway, the family and Bella meet up with some other vampires who aren’t so friendly. Long story short, one of the vampires goes after Bella to suck her blood. Bella tries to run but I have been informed by my wife that vampires can run really, really, really fast. Just as this dude is about to suck all of Bella’s blood, sigh, Edward shows up and wastes the guy. Luckily, Edward’s daddy is a doctor and is able to save Bella. A couple of blood transfusions later, all is well and Bella and, sigh, Edward are back together again. Any normal person would probably be ready to walk away from the relationship at this point. Come on, the dude’s friends were trying to eat you. I mean, if K-Fed and Brittany can’t make it work, what chance do they have? But then again, Bella isn’t exactly your run-of-the-mill, 17 year old chick. After all, she is dating a 200 year old vampire. So stay tuned for further reviews of these lame books from a guy’s point of view and stick a wooden stake in me, I’m done.

18 comments:

Alyssa Barlow said...

(Alyssa Prestwich Barlow here)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I am laughing mostly because some people NEVER change. I, too, am a vampire victim- I'll have to get Jared to read your synopsis- though it's inaccurate in many ways... like you forgot to mention how HOT Edward is. I just noticed your blog on Erica's blog list. I'll have to check in on you guys every so often. Glad to hear you're doing well!
Lys

Erica said...

I can't wait to send bret this post. Very comically written...but I do agree with Alyssa...you forgot to mention "The Hotness" which is Edward!! I'm thinkng "The boys" are a wee bit jealous....:D

the bean family said...

jon~ i know this will just make your ego even bigger but i am really impressed that you actually sat there and let bella wrap off about twilight and secondly that you retained THAT much info about the book. However, the best part is edward and it is more than just "sigh" edward it is like oh lordly, panting edward! And that my "take one for the boys" friend you will just never be able to convey!

Heitmann Family said...

Well thank you Jon, I have yet to read the books so I too was wondering what all the Edward excitement was for. Ryan has yet to endure long hours of abandonment due to reading so I'll prepare him by letting him read this post!!!

Mistylynn said...

Oh John John, ye of little knowledge, but much humor. You have to read, and then REread these amazing books to understood the inherent exquisiteness of their written word. However, Travis would have to commiserate with you on the lonely husband sindrome. I even picked Twilight for our book club this month. Have a great Halloween Williamson family!
The Bucks

Mistylynn said...

Ummm, that was supposed to say "understand"
Sorry
Heehehe

llegue said...

Ha ha Jon. I am eager to hear yout thoughts on Eclipse and you too Bella because I was MOST put out by stupid Bella (not you Bella, other Bella) and Jacob. Grr!

shelbell said...

I am dying of laughter. Corey was making vampire jabs at me for a couple weeks; jealous no doubt that I had a crush on a blood-sucking fictitious character. I love your commentary, so funny. They are such fun to read though...do you think we are all cheating on our husbands with a book?? Is that even possible?

Ryan, Courtney and Cole said...

Jon- I love it that you actually sat down with Bella and listened to her talk about Twilight. My husband wanted to hear nothing of the books and my HUGE crush on Edward.
You are a good, brave husband!

Jeff and Alison said...

That is sooooo funny!!! I was laughing out loud. Mostly, at the fact that you even know how to get onto your blog site. Jeff has no clue. Second, that you actually have time to listen to Bella and then to write about it. Jeff doesn't. Then I love the 200 year old thing. I felt the same way reading it! Thanks for a great laugh, Jon!

Alison

Karin, Dave, and baby Evan said...

Ok, that was so HILARIOUS! Especially because I've read the first book and wasn't as enthusiastic about it as all the other gals in town. It was a fun read, but I'm not obsessed. Anyway, thanks for the delightfully funny post!
Karin :)

Rob and Karina said...

I find it interesting that after a post written by a "brotha" for the "brothas", I am the only guy to respond. Maybe its because dudes dont blog, so I guess that makes me look bad. Anyway, a few comments for the critic.

1st: You're a dude! What are you bloggin for?

2nd: How ironic that it was a vampire (Edward's Father) who saved Bella by giving a blood transfusion of all things.

3rd: Thanks for the synopsis. That just saved me about 3 hours of torture.

Keep it real in Ditrizoit!

Rob Andersen

Rob and Karina said...

I've got to hand it to you Jon, that was a pretty good synopsis. That was quite entertaining!! But don't quit now, I'm waiting by the computer to read your synopsis of "New Moon".

Erica B. said...

Ok Jon, I guess you get credit for listening however poorly you retained the details. It's a good thing that your medical school tests aren't graded by things you're this bored by! You listened more than Weston did.

Team Aries said...

Now that I have stopped laughing I can post my comments. I vote you quit the whole doctor thing and just write book reveiws. I love the books but even I can laugh at my addtiction. I think erica hit the stake on the head when she said "jealous".

Heather Rigby said...

Jon,
It's count your blessings time. I read Twilight right after it came out so Sean has been listening to this and my eager awaiting of the sequels for over 1 1/2 years. Plus, I actually made Sean read the first one. Yes, he had to read the whole thing and anytime that he would put the book down and say "that doesn't make sense," or "that part was dumb," I would give him and long hard glare and say "then why don't you re-read that part until it does." Sean is smart though, and it didn't take long before he would say "I love Twilight and I know I would love New Moon and Eclipse so much, that I don't even have to read them."

Katie said...

It's Ericksen (Ryan, DO 2008). I enjoyed the preview. My wife told me about the books also, b/c she is crazy about, sigh, Edward and co. Bella sounds like she needs a doctor, but not one that works in the Emergency Room. One that has a nice office, a desk, a comfortable couch perhaps...
Also, there are some annoying dogs in our neighborhood, so send some Edward this way.

Rob and Karina said...

I've tagged you Bella! Check my blog for details!