Reflections

I recently saw a youtube video of someone named Stephenie from nieniedialogues.blogspot.com, it really made me reflect on its message. After each baby I work out, eat right and really struggle with losing weight. I have been doing p90x and 8 weeks into the program have only lost 3 lbs. Counting calories, working out sometimes twice a day and it really wears me out! It becomes my obsession. All day every day I count calories, I look at the food and decide if its worth putting in my body, I work out and see if I can squeeze in another work out somewhere else during the day. It becomes almost all I think about. And it upsets me. I'll be honest. I cry, I become mad but I still can't quite give up because if I do, I know it will just get worse. Now, when I read this I see a crazy person who is not living her life, her obessesion is living her. I don't feel like that person but sometimes I see a glimpse of her. My friends and husband always joke they like pregnant Bella because I become much more lax about what I eat and I don't stress. Hum...I do have four kids...hahhahah. Now what does this have to do with this woman you might ask? I remember hearing about her and being on Oprah but I never read her blog. Well, these last few days I have been going back and reading her blog and she is beautiful. Here is this woman who has been given this trial in her life, affecting every aspect of her life. She talks of her struggles with her physical health, how it hurts to hold her children. How she misses her beauty and who she used to be. Then, you see how she is growing into this beautiful person who is not taking for granted anything. You see her love for her Savior and Heavenly Father and how she credits them with her life and family. You see her accept who she is and her struggles and she knows she will have more struggles down the road. It made me ashamed. Here I am stressing out over something so wrong. I'm not saying its bad to be healthy, but there is an extreme. I will never be the size I was in higschool, I'm not a teenager anymore. My body has given birth to four beautiful children. I have so many blessings in my life. I have a beautiful and wonderful husband who loves me, stretch marks and all. Children who drive me insane and light up my life and I strive for that relationship with my Father in heaven and Savior. To be a better person, not to fit into a size 6. I was sharing this youtube video with my husband the other night and he said, "Why do you always watch such sad stuff that make you feel awful". I replied, "This doesn't make me feel awful in the way you think." It makes me search for the important things in life. When all is said and done, it is not the fact that I spent my days on the treadmill that are going to count. It is my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It is how I spent those days loving my children and teaching them. It is how I spent those days helping others and serving them. Yes, I am still going to work out. I want to be healthy and eat healthy, we are supposed to take care of ourselves, but I don't want it to be my life. I don't want to not play with my kids or take them somewhere because I need to work out.